Bought and sold

Somewhere along the line I bought it. It’s mine now and I wear it like a garment. I wasn’t born a “ramblin’ man”. I always wanted security; a good job, money, to marry early, to always be with people I knew, in a place of comfort. But somewhere along the way, I picked up this strange (desire? No, I don’t always want it…)– this strange hunger for experience. I know that life goes deep as well as wide. I know that to be in many places is not necessarily to live fully; that often streams of life require digging wells, require staying put and rooting down. But I bought it and now it is mine. I often worry if I will last. If somewhere I will realize that I am parched and empty, but that my home has up and gone. That people have moved on and done the “living” I have been recklessly seeking elsewhere. Who knows whence the wind comes? To question is: do you let go and let yourself be blown by it? Is staying: putting down roots, or is it clinging? Is it building on a foundation, or is it pressing yourself low into the ground, digging your fingers into what cracks there are, for fear of being swept away?

I have come to realize that I don’t trust easily. For a long time now I have wondered why I tend to be easily irritated when new people enter my life. I thought I was just sensitive, but I think that a great deal of it lies in the fact that I do not trust. Probably because I know that I so often act out of improper motives, I have trouble trusting people I don’t know. I guess this isn’t surprising or profound, but it took me a long time to figure it out. There are many many people I count as close friends now, that I either could not stand or felt really uncomfortable around when I first met them. I hope that as I grow, I will learn to trust more easily, without putting unrealistic expectations on people. I hope that I can come to terms with the fact that people will disappoint and maybe even betray the trust I have granted (as I have often done to others who trusted me), and maybe learn what Grace really means.

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~ by justinhong on February 10, 2013.

One Response to “Bought and sold”

  1. I don’t know how I’ve gone all this time without knowing you had a blog, but better late than never, I guess.

    I resonate with this post, this section especially: “I often worry if I will last. If somewhere I will realize that I am parched and empty, but that my home has up and gone. That people have moved on and done the ‘living’ I have been recklessly seeking elsewhere. Who knows whence the wind comes? To question is: do you let go and let yourself be blown by it?” Somehow, when I see it written in front of me, the realization that I’m afraid that I will miss out on “living” becomes more real. I never thought I was the type to fly with the wind, but I have realized, of late, that I make no plans to stay places for any significant length of time. Which, then, brings me to what you say about lacking trust.

    “I hope that I can come to terms with the fact that people will disappoint and maybe even betray the trust I have granted (as I have often done to others who trusted me), and maybe learn what Grace really means.”

    I hope that too. For the both of us.

    Thanks for writing.

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