I find that most of my restraints are self-imposed. I have become adept at avoiding external constraints. That is, like many young men, I flee from commitment — for fear that something better or more interesting might come up in the meantime –, I keep my schedule loose and light.

Yet I still feel rushed, downtrodden, tired and sore. I find myself fighting my mind, heart and body in the form of bad habits. My diet, my sleep schedule, laziness and just a general lack of purposefulness and urgency in how I spend my time. I am restrained by my past, by the way I’ve chosen to live up until now.

It’s a recurring theme in my life, that when I try to save my life, my energy, my strength, I lose it. What I don’t use erodes, and ebbs away; and I am left with just enough to get by.

Whether it is a hard run or a night out of doors, under an infinite sky, any discomfort endured is always more than repaid in endorphins, food and friends, new memories, sweet soreness and sweet sleep. When will I learn this lesson fully? Will I ever be able to love anyone as I love myself? And when we wish for that kind of love, do we include the ways we unintentionally harm ourselves? ‘Unintentionally’ is the operative word I guess. Has anything really great or right or beautiful ever been done without intention, passion and purpose?

 

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~ by justinhong on October 2, 2012.

One Response to “”

  1. Yeah, I want that for you! And maybe this new thing might be the start of some good Change…

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