Issues

The other day I realized that, despite all of my learning and experience thus far, I am still afraid that God might abandon me. I was sitting at church and the thought entered my head, “You can’t ever hurt him more than he chose to hurt himself.” I got teary-eyed, like this was a revelation.

It seems so simple but I am continually and repeatedly surprised by it. He didn’t get up on that cross despite the fact that he knew I am manipulative, selfish, cowardly and dumb; he went up there, and knew he needed to, precisely because I am those things. I keep expecting God to be surprised by my twisted nature, I keep trying to shield him from the truth of who I am. I am afraid that he will find out that I have betrayed his confidence, that he will realize I have tricked him into loving me. I fear that he will realize that he actually didn’t know what he was getting into when he decided to love me. I guess I just project my fears and insecurities about earthly relationships onto my relationship with God. I am pretty glad that he isn’t like me, that he doesn’t hold grudges like I do, that he is infinitely more sensitive than I, and yet never despairs. Unlike me he looks straight into the heart of darkness, and imparts light.

One day I hope to understand grace.

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~ by justinhong on May 3, 2012.

3 Responses to “Issues”

  1. “I guess I just project my fears and insecurities about earthly relationships onto my relationship with God”. Amen bro.

  2. I think that’s what bothers me too sometimes. How easy it is to project my limitations, expectations and so forth, onto God, as if He is as limited, impatient and short-sighted as I am so often. But I’m glad He’s not.

    We feel better, yay! Let’s get shakes.

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