It seems that Augustine was right. I keep trying to find rest apart from you. My heart flits to and fro, seeking a safe landing, but wherever it lights it is bruised. Harbors that seemed so fair, so perfect from afar, up close are transformed, mirages dispelled.

I seem to seek heaven everywhere except for Heaven itself.

Is it only the young that move out into the world with boldness? Whence come the courage and strength that do not rely on naivete? I used to be so sure of everything, but with each passing day the shell (for that is what it is, hardness instead of steadfastness) is cracking. Life is harder and lonelier than I ever could have imagined. And I have suffered less difficulty and less loneliness than most, this I know.

“…but then, face to face.” Oh Lord, you are the only one who ever knows any of us. I went back through old messages and I was astounded by how little I remember. Hundreds and thousands of words, ideas, promises and plans all tucked away and hidden, obscured by (relatively little) time. In just the past year so many things have happened and I can’t say I remember even 1% of it. And perhaps others will remember 1% of 1% of the things I have done. How can we even know ourselves? I am always surprising myself with my own complexities. There is darkness hidden in me that was so deep I thought I was okay. But how do we avoid being self-centered when we are all we know (and even that, to such a limited extent)?

By your grace we love strangers, and by loving them they become less strange. Perhaps it is your grace that we can’t really know each other. We probably couldn’t handle it. We would probably destroy each other, as clumsy and as fragile as we are.

How did you do it Jesus? How did you see us and still go through with it? I truly don’t understand. Can all love transform? Can our love transform? Does all true love impart loveliness?

Lord teach me how to be a friend and a brother. I don’t want to hurt the people that care about me anymore. Where my pride pushes outward, would your love rush in and fill the empty places.


~ by justinhong on March 23, 2012.

2 Responses to “Restless”

  1. Amen, and amen.

  2. Kinda sounds like me.

    When I was around your age, and even for quite a while afterwards, I thought I was a pretty good little Christian guy. Now sure, the Spirit was starting its unique work in my life, undeniably, but I did not know all the little dark things about me I would have the “awesome” pleasure of meeting down the road of life a ways. Fun times.

    I do it too. I turn to other things than Christ myself so often, and observe the same results.

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