I want

I want to write more. But I don’t have enough time. And I’m tired, and I’m tired of producing low quality posts (like this one).

The interns are leaving for Cebu in a few hours! Ah! It’s going to be lonely without them… too bad I won’t have anyone else to hang out with. (haha just kidding!)

Sometimes I feel like my brain is at capacity. New sensations and experiences enter and then try to find a place to settle. They become embedded somewhere deep in my consciousness until something disturbs them, or I have some occasion, a question, a smell, the just-right occlusion of factors, to pull them up. Then they are shaken out, wrinkles intact, dust and that old-memory smell. I guess I just don’t like the feeling of always rushing. It’s difficult, not impossible, just difficult, to take in the sights and sounds of every day life when you always feel like you’re running somewhere or that your nose should be buried in a schoolbook.

One tidbit-turned-spiritual: In my class we learn that most people take in oxygen at a rate lower than their body could handle. i.e. Their ventilation/perfusion ratio isn’t quite ideal. It’s been nice to read a lot about respiration and perfusion because I always end up taking deep breaths just because the topic comes up so often. I guess the point is that, I (and probably many of you) normally breathe shallowly without even knowing it. Something that surprised me (and would probably fit into my large personal category of “things that should be obvious but are surprising nonetheless”) is that the term for taking in oxygen is “inspiration”. Is that deep?

There are obvious connections if you’ve listened to enough sermons, i.e. inspire = taking in spirit, spirit = wind blah blah. I just think it’s such a great image of my walk with God. On a daily basis I depend on God without even knowing or acknowledging it. He holds my atoms together, he maintains the universe, he guides my steps and protects me from a million things behind the scenes. And sometimes I’ll throw up a quick prayer, or maybe even pick up MUFHH (or on rare occasion, read my bible!) My ventilation/perfusion ratio i.e. the ratio of grace that God pours on me/grace that I feel or experience or accept is far from ideal. And sometimes I will breathe God deep. I’ll go somewhere alone and just hang out with him. Sometimes C.S. Lewis is there as a sort of welcome third wheel. Usually there’s sun, a breeze, a nap, a meal etc… and it’s only then that I realize that all the church stuff, all the sermons and books and little tossed-up, last minute prayers are really just inadequate inspiration. My rate might be okay, but tidal volume borders on inadequate. To give a mental image, when your O2 levels are too low, your body goes into anaerobic metabolism which produces way less energy, and then something happens with what they call a “sodium pump” and your cells can no longer balance fluids AND THEN THEY EXPLODE. Don’t you feel like that sometimes? Like pressure is building in your life and then things just start exploding? You feel like you are dying or suffocating somewhere not-physical?

(Sorry for all you folks who actually know anatomy&physiology and had to read this dumb explanation of body systems!)


~ by justinhong on April 20, 2011.

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