Wishlist, puppetry and fatherhood

I want a body that runs like a well-oiled machine. A mind that moves quickly and deftly. A soul that sings and laughs easily. A heart that breaks but doesn’t quit.


Yesterday I found myself in a place and situation that just really made me long for Home. But not only Home, I wanted to be home too. I wanted to be with my brothers and sisters, in a real place, with real interaction. I wanted a place to be free to be happy or hurt or confused and angry. I was surrounded by suits and I felt surrounded by a weird aura of forced enthusiasm, like I was part of some strange puppet show, but I was the only one that was a human being.

Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but I felt really uncomfortable and misled and objectified, and I was just really sad that I was missing small group and bible study to be there. And I even dressed up! Ahhh.

But in a way it was reassuring. I felt confident and able to stand and hold my own. It was encouraging to realize how little of my heart longs for the riches of this world, and how much of my hope is placed in Christ.


Sometimes I feel like I might be single forever. And sometimes the idea just isn’t that bad or scary. But I was thinking about it today, like in a concrete way, i.e. Do I want to be single forever? And the answer was ‘No’ for a surprising reason. I mean I do want to be a husband and lover, but at that moment, the deep and strong longing that surfaced was the desire to be a father. A visceral desire to create life and to pass something on and forward. I wondered if God had it backwards. “For God so loved the world…”, he loved the world, us, and so he sent his Son for us. And yet, why does something tell me that I won’t truly love the world until I have a child of my own in it? The world is scary and beautiful now, but what about then? Wouldn’t sharp edges seem more menacing, and laughter more meaningful?

It still blows my mind that He trusts us with his children. His children are our children. That life flows forth literally from one body into another. That a human being grows inside of its mother for months(!!) and is entrusted to the hands of other fallen and foolish humans. The responsibility and the pressure are almost paralyzing. But then again, our children are also His children. Godfather seems like the perfect term for this, but it already means something else! Hmm.


~ by justinhong on January 8, 2011.

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