Interlude II: Your Sentiments, My Words

I don’t know exactly where you are right now. Or what it is you’ve been writing in that journal of yours. I hope the blank pages don’t mess you up. Sometimes the lines help me.

Linelessness. That’s something we both enjoy, right? Sure we idealize it a bit, but lines are not things we usually crave. Lines can be boundaries, limits, connectors and/but anchors and ties.

You said something like, “To be honest, I’m not going in order to have fun. It’s just something I need to do.”

And to be honest, I understand exactly what you mean. Did you know that ‘experience of a lifetime’ does not always = fun? I’m sure the concentration and internment camps could, in some people’s minds, count as a lifetime experience. War too. Sure this is different, but I know what you mean.

I was looking a pictures of Joe and Grace and Zion the other day. Zion’s big. Zion is handsome. Zion looks more and more like a real, functional, thinking, rational human being every day (or at least, every time I see a new picture of him.) I remember the first time I met him, Joe, I thought he was three years older than me. I guess that’s fitting because I feel, life-wise, he’s at least three years ahead anyway. I thought, ‘What am I doing with my life?’

But we’re a bit different, all of us, are we not? To me, it really does seem like I’m getting closer to that point when maybe, perhaps, I could potentially, almost, visualize or think about ‘settling down’ as the Next Big Adventure. But not yet. You feel me right? You, singular, not You, the rest of you. Or maybe not and maybe I’m alone in this. Tell me if this is crazy, but tonight I got to thinking that maybe I’m just waiting for the time when that step into familial manhood is just more natural. I know I won’t ever be ready until it happens, but I’m only asking for a bit more natural.

Am I insane to think that it’s unfair for me to expect my future wife to fulfill this strange, recurring desire to live for awhile on the steppes of Mongolia? Can a woman replace and fulfill this weird thing I have for wanting to live in a van, for a bit? I know myself a bit too well, and I can really see myself getting bitter, maybe. If I don’t do all this stupid stuff now. Bitter like in the movies, like in the stereotypical I-am-man-I-am-discontent-with-life-I-chose-or-did-it-choose-me?-or-did-my-dad-choose-it-for-me? kind of way.

I don’t think I could forgive myself for that.


~ by justinhong on September 24, 2010.

One Response to “Interlude II: Your Sentiments, My Words”

  1. I think I get what you’re saying here.

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