Frontiers and Fears

Don’t come closer or I’ll have to go,
Holding me like gravity are places that pull,
If ever there was someone to keep me at Home,
It would be you.

I’m not sure what has changed, or why, but it seems I’ve reached the point where I only find comfort in uncertainty. Planning a week ahead, let alone a few months ahead has become a fearful process, and oftentimes I seem only to be able to handle what is right in front of me at any given moment.

God has been revealing so many things about myself and the world that I’d never really confronted before, and it’s humbling. It’s hard to love, to Love, people guys. It’s hard to even care. It’s amazing how quickly I get to the point where I satisfy my own feelings of obligation, i.e. “Well God couldn’t have meant for me to go that far out of my way/means to help this person!” When “that far” might mean just considering letting them sleep within five or ten feet of where they currently sleep, but just on the other side of the wall (i.e. indoors vs. outdoors). So easy, yet so so difficult.

I’m not so naive or uneducated about the Gospel to believe that I’ve been called as a one-man-army for God, to go solo and take on the world. But that doesn’t answer the question of whether God has called me to be stationary for this period of my life. I’ve said it before but I have never cherished my freedom (which in a lot of ways comes down to being single) as much as I do now. But today I was thinking and was confronted with the disturbing question: “Is ‘freedom’ unused, really freedom at all?” Technically I could pack up and leave whenever I want, but for so many reasons, legitimate or not, I most likely won’t. At least not any time soon. So that begs the question of whether or not this holding onto ‘freedom’ thing is really functionally meaningless and actually a detriment to the ties and bonds I could be investing my time and energy in right now (but am not because… well, ‘freedom’!) Does this make any sense?

On Hell

Last week my mind tracked, sort of out of the blue, to thoughts of Hell. I was gripped (and it’s pretty sad that this thought doesn’t usually grip me) with a deep sadness and feeling of fear that many people that I know and love are (let’s face it brothers and sisters, as much as we don’t like to say it) in a state of rebellion against God and likely headed to Hell.

What really broke my heart was the image of Hell that I imagined. Even in it’s best case scenario, i.e. not ruled by Satan, but just all the non-believers living life-after-death in a sort of afterlife version of the present world, Hell is just billions upon billions of people hopelessly building up and tearing down, constantly and ineffectively trying to protect themselves against the evil propagated by Hell’s very worst offenders, while simultaneously without hope of ever overcoming their own selfishness and greed. Can you imagine the atrocities and disappointments of History repeating and repeating over and over again, always with the faint sheen of a promised future, secular, humanistic Paradise (if only we can get our technology powerful enough, our economy efficient enough, our governing laws perfect enough), but never quite within grasp? Weeping and gnashing indeed.

A place where the only people who were ever really able to put to death their own rebellious and selfish natures, and thus the only people who were ever even able to get close to really honestly and genuinely caring for another person the way Jesus did, without hope of any repayment, are all removed and all who remain are left to fend for themselves. All the ones who glimpsed the back of the Triumphant King as he turned and rode away forever, left to an eternity of vain and muted striving towards “a better Tomorrow” which never seems to get any closer.

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~ by justinhong on April 16, 2010.

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