“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.” – Thoreau, Walden

an old post:

Saturday, August 05, 2006
  i just told myself to grow up.

i wonder what i meant by that. did i mean stop feeling? did i mean get a job? did i mean go to sleep it’s past midnight?

all
i know is that if anything, recent experience has enhanced my appetite
for life. i want to drink it and drink it deep. i want to taste every
facet of it, the bitterness, the sweetness, the subtle flavors
reminiscent of all the ingredients, the people, the places, the
happenings, the smells, the sounds, the sights that go into it. to
swish it around in my mouth and my head, to swirl it and smell it, to
inhale it. to find love and embrace it, to find fear and wrestle it, to
find hope and hold on to it with all the strength i have.

i
won’t settle for suppression when the goal is mastery. when i cross
paths with pain to experience it fully, letting it run its course
through my being and leave me better for the experience; to seek
happiness but not be crushed in its absence, to be fearless but not
rash, wise but not distant. one who experiences all, is affected by
all, but finds existence in and is destroyed by none.

now to bridge the gap between desire and reality.

(edit: sorry that all my entries sound the same, i guess i’m going through what they call a “season”)

i’m pretty convinced that most of the time, if i fail to do something, it’s because i am unable to keep my eyes set on my goal. things just come up, you know? i want to read more, but tv calls. i want to be healthier, but jackinthebox is only a 3 minute drive away (and tv calls!).

how much of my life will be consumed by this internal struggle? i believe that in the gospels, jesus describes it as a battle between the spirit and the flesh. but i think recently my oft repeated requests that God show me how to follow, or reveal to me what His will is for my life, have felt more sincere. i feel like a big hot-air balloon (and not just because i’m full of “hot air”, haha) that is kept on the ground by countless ropes just waiting for someone to come along and cut them one by one, until the remaining strands no longer have the strength to hold me down. and that’s just what i feel has been happening. slowly but surely, i feel the weight of my attachments, to things, to obligations, to expectations, and sometimes even to people (but worry not, if they are stripped away they were but rags to begin with, He gives us new robes) being cut away.

sometimes it does seem like aimless drifting, but what better place to be in order to be guided? perhaps sometimes the inertia of our own way makes it almost impossibly difficult to be led, especially if our direction has been nearly completely wrong to begin with. one great gift of grace that i have been granted is a new notion of obedience. it no longer terrifies me. i think that in this time, i am called to start making lasting changes in the way i live my current life, so as to be ready for the next step, whatever that may be.

it’s pretty exciting to see that the seed of longing that was placed in me sometime around or before August 2006 has finally taken root, solidifying as it falls from the world of desire into my daily life and thought life. and i think i say this too much (but then again, maybe everyone should say it more), but we’ll see what happens.

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~ by justinhong on October 21, 2008.

3 Responses to “”

  1. there is a typo in your thoreau quoteandsad day for the rags in your life 😦

  2. @fAtZ –  what was the typo? (and i think i meant that God would redeem those relationships, and make them real. not that he would give me better friends, though he’d probably do that too haha)

  3. did you fix it? i cant find it anymore! oh well, maybe i was just wrong. wow. me wrong. shocking! 😉 (jk… obviously) 😦

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